Meet Joanne Stern, PhD Author, Parenting is a Contact Sport Like most of us, Joanne Stern thought that when she became a parent she would somehow channel age-old parenting wisdom. Instead, she found she had to rely only on herself. After years of trial and error, she decided that building a strong connection with your child so you are the person they talk to and listen to during their tough times was one of the most important goals of parenting. Colorado Parent spoke to Stern, a psychotherapist in Aspen, about her personal experiences and thoughts about creating a life-long connection with our children. Colorado Parent: What made you want to write this book? Joanne Stern: I wanted to prepare my own two daughters for the day they too would be parents. I wanted to share my experiences—what I had learned about building a relationship with them—so they could be better parents to their children than I was with them.     Then I began to realize that what came up for us was not very different than what comes up in most families. We parents have so much in common, regardless of our individual circumstances or lifestyles. Down underneath, we’re all pretty much the same. So I decided to write about my journey as a mom and a psychotherapist for other parents who care deeply about building a life-long connection with their children.     I hope my stories will resonate with parents everywhere and give them new hope, new inspiration, new courage and new ideas to improve their relationships with their kids—no matter how old they are. Colorado Parent: Did you feel you had “all the answers” when your children were growing up? Joanne Sterne:Goodness no! I guess I had always just assumed that when we become parents, we are naturally given some age-old, archetypal wisdom that makes it easy for us to discipline our kids and make decisions. But if that is so, I must have been absent the day they passed it out! Sometimes I waited for a lightening bolt to knock a good idea into my head, but none ever came. I had to rely on myself.     That’s when I was really glad I had stumbled upon this idea to have our relationship be the foundation of my parenting. It was not always so easy to do, but the concept was simple. When I couldn’t figure out what to do, I defaulted back to simply maintaining our relationship: talking with them but in a respectful way.     One thing I figured out early on: when a crisis comes up, don’t panic. First and foremost, secure the relationship. There’s plenty of time to solve the problem after they know you understand, you care and you’re on their side. That principle was invaluable because it prevented me from reacting, jumping impulsively or being judgmental and critical. If you do any of those, your child just closes down. And if you lose her, it’s hard to get her back. Colorado Parent: As a psychotherapist and family counselor, did you feel like you were parenting under a microscope? Joanne Stern: Not at all. I’m pretty open and vulnerable, so I wasn’t afraid to be seen as the imperfect mom that I was. And I wasn’t worried that my kids weren’t perfect either. We were just real, going through the problems of our life like everybody else. I was doing my best, as most parents do. We went through some difficult things and, like most families, we scraped through. Maybe the only difference was that we really stuck together during those difficult times because we talked about our problems a lot. My daughters would tell you that it was all the talking that helped them get through and to thrive on the other end. Colorado Parent: What kinds of things did you do to stay connected with your own children when they were younger? Joanne Stern: When they were children, we cuddled, played games, skied and talked. We went on car trips, read books, decorated the Christmas tree and just spent time doing nothing much at all. I tried to be involved in their daily lives and to be inside their skin to know what was going on with them and how they were feeling. That’s what it means to stay connected.     It was easy when they were young, but when they became teenagers, I had to really think about carving out time for them because they got busier and had more people and pressures pushing at them from different directions. The principle of maintaining our relationship was the same. It just took more effort on my part to pull it off. Conversations got deeper so that they stayed relevant to the situations they were facing. No topic was off limits. I tried to be non-judgmental and non-critical. Did I blow it at times? Of course! Every parent does. But we hung in there together, I think because we had developed mutual respect and we valued our closeness.     Naturally, they were stretching their legs and spreading their wings, and I wanted to be right there when they experimented and went out on their own. I figured they’d get into some trouble and make some stupid mistakes. But I wanted them to have a safe haven with me at home so that, when they needed to or wanted to, they always knew we could talk. The most important thing for me was to be the person they talked to and listened to —even during the tough times. Colorado Parent: What do you do to stay connected now that they are grown? Joanne Stern: I guess it’s pretty much the same – with the exception that we don’t play Candy Land anymore! And since they’re adults, we don’t have the discipline issues. I’m no longer setting boundaries and making sure we follow through with consequences. But we still do sports and other fun things, and we still talk about anything and everything. We share most things in our lives together – the troubles as well as the victories. We’ve always remained friends. But as I get older our roles are beginning to reverse, and the advice and mentoring now sometimes flows from them to me. The great reward in parenting is to have these life-long relationships that you wouldn’t trade for anything. Colorado Parent: What has being a connected parent done for you and your own children? Joanne Stern: For me, it’s been one of the most enriching and satisfying experiences of my life. To walk by your kids’ sides as they grow and mature, to have the opportunity to talk with them about the stuff in their lives, to be able to guide them through the difficult times, to be their mentor, their coach and their advocate—these things have been the most challenging and yet the most fulfilling parts of my life.     As for my kids, (I’ve asked them), they said they learned so much about life, people, problems, spirituality, relationships—even cooking! They felt like they had a trusted advisor their entire life. They felt safe to come home and talk no matter what was going on in their lives. It built their confidence because I showed them respect in our discussions and in their decision making. And because I allowed them to choose for themselves when it was appropriate, it also allowed them to become independent.     Because we had so many conversations, because I was involved in their lives and because I asked a lot of questions in a give-and-take kind of way, they felt my support. But it wasn’t blind support—it came out of knowing deeply who they were, so my support really meant something. It felt great to know that somebody understood and cared.     And even today, they both believe that their adult relationships are deeper and more intimate because they learned how to communicate and develop trust when they were growing up. Colorado Parent: What do you think are the toughest issues facing both parents and kids today? Joanne Stern: It’s still sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll—but modified by the influence of modern technology and the media. Kids can’t get along without the internet but if we don’t guide and counsel them in how to use it, they can get caught in very inappropriate and even dangerous websites. Internet porn is rampant and “sexting” is on the rise. In fact, statistics show that 20% of teens are taking nude or semi-nude photos of themselves on their cell phones and sending them to friends as text messages. Information is available as fast as they want it, and they can get it—and give it—explicit, unfiltered and unmonitored.     When they go to the movies, watch TV and see commercials, they are bombarded with sexual and violent images. Sex and violence sells, so even Bratz dolls for little girls have curvaceous bodies and sexy clothing. Girls become anorexic looking at air-brushed, skinny models. And boys are hooked on the brilliance of exciting video games that focus on crime. Parents can’t keep up just by trying to monitor and police their activities.     You simply cannot lock ‘em and block ‘em out of their computers no matter how hip and technologically astute you are. If they can’t get into their own, they’ll use someone else’s. And if it isn’t there on a laptop, then they’ll get it on their IPhone. So what can you do? Not much—unless you have an open, trusting relationship with them. If you’ve been intentional about keeping the conduit for communication open, then you’ll have the opportunity to talk with them and teach them about what they’re being exposed to on a daily basis. You’ll have some input that can counterbalance what they’re getting when they’re not with you. You wouldn’t dream of putting your kids behind the wheel of a car without instruction, let alone sending them down an icy, winding mountain road where they could easily go over the edge. And you should be just as concerned about giving them cell phones and computers without teaching them about the pitfalls and predators that lurk behind the “on” button. Colorado Parent: What is the downside to not having a strong enough connection with your kids? Joanne Stern: You won’t be close to them. Oh, you might be close when they’re really young, and you might get close again when they’re adults. But you’ll miss out on those critical tween and teen years. The whole point of staying connected to your kids is to be there as they grow older and stuggle though the maze of those complicated times. When they hit adolescence, it’s like they go into a tunnel. And if you’re not there by their side, they go into that dark, scary tube alone. The only other people in there are kids as young and immature and inexperienced as they are.     Think of all that happens to your kids during their adolescent and teen years. Their hormones come flushing out, and they become aware of their sexuality and their sexual desires. They’re trying to figure out who they are, what their identity is and what they want to do with their lives when they grow up. They get hit with every moral dilemma you can think of and they have to make decisions on the spur of the moment. Drugs and alcohol are all around them. They may bully or get bullied, be ridiculed and made fun of, struggle with getting friends or being left out. They’re creating their sense of themselves and their self-esteem. The list goes on and on.     If you’re not connected to them, then who do they turn to for guidance and counsel? Who gives them support and a safe haven to relax and just be themselves? Who affirms them and tells them how much they are loved and valued? Either no one, or those other poor kids wandering around in that dark tunnel with them.     The reason to make a connection with your kids early on and to never cut a slice in that rope of relationship is so that you can walk by their side, talk with them about the stuff in their lives, advise and guide them through the difficult times and be their mentor, coach and advocate. If you’re not connected, then you won’t be the person your kids talk to and listen to during their tough times. And you’ll miss out on the most important goal of parenting. Colorado Parent: Is there such a thing as being too close to them? Joanne Stern: No, you can’t be too close. What most parents worry about when they think about being close to their kids is that they will lose their ability to discipline them and set boundaries. But that’s a myth! It’s not true! You don’t have to have some kind of aloof, stiff, rigid, unfriendly relationship in order to create limits and maintain good discipline. In fact, the more you separate yourself from your kids and create distance between you, the more difficult it is to discipline them because they don’t trust or respect you enough to obey.     A problem you could have is to fall into the trap of becoming their peer—wearing the same kind of clothes, speaking in their slang or offering them alcohol. That’s over the line. It’s in that mode that you run the risk of being permissive because, instead of setting boundaries between parent and child, you’re erasing them. You may think you’re being loving and caring. It may look like you’re close and having a good time together. But underneath the surface, what’s really happening is that, like their peers, you’re more interested in being liked by them than in being their parent and having their best interests at heart.     When you’re too distant and uninvolved, they won’t want to talk to you. When you’re controlling, it makes them feel they can’t make decisions on their own or it makes them just want to rebel against you—or both. Being close allows you maximum opportunity to influence their lives in positive ways and gives them the support and acceptance they need to become responsible and self-reliant adults. Colorado Parent: In the midst of giving so much time and energy to our children, what can parents do to maintain our own resiliency? Joanne Stern: It’s a constant balancing act to deal with the whitewater of taking care of your kids and also nurturing yourself. But it’s important for you to set aside time to do the things you want and need to do for YOU. Take time to be with your spouse alone—without the kids. Maintain relationships with friends and activities you like—sometimes with them and sometimes without. It will keep you strong, interesting, vital and energetic, and you’ll have more quality in the time you spend with your kids.     The time you give to yourself is not AGAINST your kids. It’s FOR you. The attitude you have when explaining it to them will be evident and they won’t resent you or feel abandoned. They’ll be more likely to be happy for you and respect you for having a life of your own. It teaches them that you can care about them and yourself at the same time. They’ll still understand that they’re on the top of your priority list, but that they’re not the only thing on that list. And that’s ok as long as you’re still talking with them, participating in their lives and staying “inside their hearts.” Colorado Parent: Is there one thing that parents can do today to improve their parenting skills? Joanne Stern: Sure. Open up that conduit for communication. If it’s gotten clogged, then clean it out—no matter how young or how old your child is. It’s never too late to rewind, repair and rebuild your relationship with your kids. So start wherever you are and begin again. It may involve sitting down with your child and telling her how much she means to you and how important she is to you. Create time to spend together. Open up to her and tell her where you went wrong and how you want to make it better. Apologize. An apology goes a long way. I’ve never met a child—at any age—who didn’t want to have a good relationship with her parent, so you have statistics on your side.     Parent-child relationships are some of the most complicated on earth. And they last a lifetime. So there’s every reason to wipe the tears, mend the wounds and build the broken bridges to make them the very best they can be. Even a small improvement is very good because it’s the direction you’re going, not the destination that’s important. It may take some time. The going may be slow, but be patient. Every step is a victory. Get off the bench and get into the game! Parenting is a contact sport! Colorado Parent: Hmmm, sounds like a good title of a book! How did Linda Ellerbee come to write the foreword for your book? Joanne Stern: A mutual friend sent her an early draft of my book, and she liked it. As I kept writing and revising, we kept talking. And we became friends. When the time came, I asked her if she would write an endorsement, and she offered, not only to write that endorsement, but also the foreword. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. She’s a gem. She’s caring, generous, funny and very skilled as a writer, a speaker and a journalist. She’s spent the past eighteen years specializing in discussing some of life’s most difficult issues with kids on Nick News. I feel honored to count her as my friend. Colorado Parent: Just for fun, what do you think are the benefits of being a “Colorado Parent” versus being a parent elsewhere in the country? A: Joanne Stern: I’m sure I’m prejudiced, but I think Colorado is the best place on earth to raise kids. We’re blessed with such natural beauty and opportunity for outdoor activities, and we can enjoy almost all of them with our kids—at any age. One of the most important things we need to do as parents is to carve out special time with our kids. And what better way to do it than to take walks, hike in the mountains, fish, go for beautiful mountain drives, ski, bike, ride horses, picnic in a meadow or along a stream. There are endless things we can do with our kids that give us time to talk, to laugh, and to enjoy one another. It creates a bond that we will always value and that our kids will remember and cherish.